The scene is a cozy little sitting room, decorated in a quasi Victorian motif. Nick-knacks, fine painted china trimmed with gold and delicate looking vases abound. The furniture, appearing to be far from comfortable, features intricate wooden swirls on which the rather sparse but tastefully decorated upholstery is attached.
Three women, all seemingly past their middle years, sit, sipping tea from the daintiest and most fragile looking of tea servings. They sit in silence, an awkwardness fills the air as each of the three seem to be searching in desperation for a relevant comment to make.
Mrs. Prenderghast, apparently the younger of the three, having chosen not to wear gloves for the occasion, cleared her throat and looked sympathetically at her hostess.
"Have you considered poison at all Elizabeth? Surely it would be far less of a mess and dare I say, it would be exceedingly more humane".
"Emily, I've been over this and over this in my mind. A knife in the heart is by far the quickest and most convenient method. Poison would require some sort of deception and I am just not the duplicitous type. Not that I care whether or not I look him in the eye as I do the deed, I want swift, and I want effective and bugger the mess"
The third woman in the room, Mrs. Agnes Weatherbie, speaks up for the first time,
" Well if that's all you want then Lizzie, why don't you just blow his bloody head off with a gun?"
"I've considered that option also" said Elizabeth. "But I don't have access to a gun thanks to the long gun registry. I asked constable O'Malley for his opinion and he said it would be far too difficult and time consuming to apply for a gun license. Plus I've never used one of the blessed things in my life. The good constable recommended just using a good, well sharpened kitchen knife to a vital organ. Quick and easy he said."
There was a brief silence once again and then Emily cleared her throat in preparation for yet another appeal to her friends better nature.
"But Elizabeth" she began, "Why not just separate? Carve your portion of the house away from his. A good workman could do it cheaply with a chain saw in, dare I say, a day or less. Then you could live your life your way and Henri could live his his way"
"No Emily, Henri must be done away with. His Socialist nonsense has gone on long enough. He has besmirched my good reputation and has made my family beholden to his good graces. For the good of the family dear Emily, The devilish Bastard must die".
"So my lovely Elizabeth, are we plotting my demise once again?"
Emily and Agnes look up and away from Henri in unison, feigning innocence.
"Well of course I am you Socialist twit. You are a blight, a cancer on my good family and it's name and you must be done away with once and for all" Elizabeth snapped.
"Well then I do hope your lady friends here have provided you with good counsel as to the best method to bring about my end" said Henri lightly. "The good constable has said he recommended a sharp kitchen knife to you. I dare say I hope you use it swiftly as you know I will not be done away with easily".
"I recommended separation.... with a chainsaw" Emily piped up. "Carve the house up I said so that each of you could live your life in peace"
"Ah Emily" Henri began, "always the conciliatory one. But then who would provide for dearest Elizabeth? And which of us would the family side with? Lizzy here, the disgruntled one, or myself, who has provided for and supported the family through the darkest of times?
"You make it sound as though it were a mere matter of jealousy" said Agnes, daring to admit her part in the plotting.
"That conceited pea-brain thinks everyone is jealous of him" Elizabeth hissed at her friend.
Henri laughed lightly "I fear the grapes in the south of France have a decidedly sour taste to them this year"
"Laugh all you want" said Elizabeth menacingly as she turned to Henri for the first time, "But your end is now all but certain. And NO LONGER will we all be subjected to your cancerous, Socialist garbage".
Henri looked down upon his seated wife and frowned. "The vehemence with which you have plotted this course of yours is most disturbing. I have done no wrong except to provide for our family to the best of my ability. Indeed I have made mistakes over the years that I have come to regret deeply. Some of which have caused many of our clan to doubt my intentions. But there are a great number of our family and friends who understand the intentions of my heart and appreciate still the efforts I have made on their behalf. And for this I must be eradicated? For this you plot my death"?
Elizabeth quickly stood and turned to face her husband. She shook a frail white fist at him as she shrieked: "For that you must perish you devil simply because you will not go away. You will not cease to treat my family as though they should continue to be beholden to you for your charitable nature. I have amassed a far greater personal fortune than ever you could. I know what is best for my family so I should be their benefactor. Yet many of them still refuse to listen to my good counsel, merely because it is contradictory to yours. So for that dear Henri, you and all your Socialist ideas must be EXTERMINATED once and for all".
"First of all Lizzy, they are OUR family, not just yours" said Henri in a low but slightly tremulous voice that betrayed his consternation for the first time. He paused, his jocular facade seemed to have left him. " So because you perceive me to be a threat to your idea of how our family should be treated, and to whom they should be beholden, you would stab me through the heart with a kitchen knife? You would bleed me dry and erase all evidence of my existence? This and only this is what would make you eternally happy my pathetically wretched wife"?
Emily spoke up once again " I still think a chain saw would be better....on the house I mean, not on Henri". Emily blushed.
"It is but for the good of my family that by my own hand , I would bring about your death and then carry on as though you had never existed" said Elizabeth in a low but maniacally firm voice.
"For the love of God Lizzy" said Agnes, "can you not just shoot the bugger and we can be done with this"?
Henri straightened himself up to his full height and with his head tilted skyward looked down his nose at his wife. "As it appears I am not welcome here my dear, I shall leave you and your confederates to your vile plotting. But know this my loving wife, I shall not go quietly into the night". And with that Henri spun on his heals and strode from the room.
Elizabeth slowly sat back down. She removed her hat and began fanning herself with it in an effort to regain her composure.
"Fear not my friends" she began slowly, "That Socialist swine's end is all but certain the moment I procure a knife...If only I knew where the kitchen was..."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The above story is, to say the least, absurd, that such seemingly polite and well mannered people should openly and unabashedly discuss a plan to murder someone. That the local Constable should be consulted as to the best way to carry out their nefarious plot only adds to the absurdity.
But here, today in Canada, seemingly polite and well mannered people are openly and unabashedly discussing the manner in which the ruling Conservative party plans to bring about the untimely demise of the Liberal Party. Their purpose seeming to be nothing more than a disagreement with the Liberals "paternalistic" approach to governance. That and the fact that historically, the Liberals and their ideals have been far more popular than the Conservatives.
So because the Conservatives view the Liberals as a threat to the way they see the country should be run, they must be eradicated once and for all and every last vestige of their legacy should be destroyed.
With the destruction of the source of one of those conflicting points of view, we are doomed to suffer a one sided conversation that shall become all consuming with the absence of a strong dissenting voice.
Yet still, everyone seems to be ok with this.
And to add to this absurdity, various other voices are openly discussing carving up our country with "fifty plus one chainsaws". And they do so with all the passion of people discussing the day's weather.
And I'm quite sure that among foreign observers taking note of our rather blithe discussions about the death and destruction special interest groups intend for our country, at least one of them would be inclined to quote from the old tea commercial "Only in Canada you say"?